800+ Funny Quotes About Life, Love And Friend

There are three things that cannot be bought in life; love, friendship, and family. Sometimes, people find it hard realizing just what they have until they have lost it. We have put together a list of funny quotes about life, love, and friend. These quotes are bound to leave you in stitches and brighten your dull day automatically. They will make you see life in a whole new other perspective realizing that sometimes things aren’t that serious and it’s good to let your guard down sometimes and have fun. If you find them interesting, share with us in the comment section and share them with someone to brighten their day as well.

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K0. Best quotes in Pinterest

1.”Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered…”Who ties your shoelaces for you?”.

Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered..."Who ties your shoelaces for you?
2. “I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life.”

I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life.

3.”Teens don’t know how good they have it lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.”

4. ” I am not an early bird or a night owl. I am some form of the permanently exhausted pigeon.”

I am not an early bird or a night owl. I am some form of the permanently exhausted pigeon."

5. “Of course I’m an organ donor. Who wouldn’t want a piece of this?.”

Of course I'm an organ donor. Who wouldn't want a piece of this

6. “I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain this to you.”

I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain this to you

7. “If “plan a” didn’t work, don’t worry. The alphabet has 25 more letters! Stay cool.”

If "plan a'' didn't work, don't worry. The alphabet has 25 more letters! Stay cool.

K1.Funny quotes about life

8. “Old people at weddings always poke me and say “You’re next.”. So, I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.”

Old people at weddings always poke me and say "You're next.". So, I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

9. “Roses are red, nuts are brown. Skirts go up, pants go down. body to body, skin to skin. When its stiff, stick it in. It goes in dry and comes out wet and the longer it’s in, the stronger it gets, its comes out dripping and it starts to sag. It’s not what you think its a LIPTON Tea bag. Get your mind out of the gutter…”

10.”Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding the other person is a complete idiot.”

"Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding the other person is a complete idiot."

11. “I hate it when I see some old person and then realize we went to high school together.”

I hate it when I see some old person and then realize we went to high school together.

12. “I hate it when people text me: “call me”. I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “text me”, and hang up.”

I hate it when people text me: "call me". I'm gonna start calling people and when they answer, I'm gonna say: "text me", and hang up.

13. “When you are dead, you do not know that you are dead. All of the pain is felt by others. The same thing happens when you are stupid.”
When you are dead, you do not know that you are dead. All of the pain is felt by others. The same thing happens when you are stupid

14. “Two reasons I don’t trust people: 1-I don’t know them. 2-I know them.”

Two reasons I don't trust people: 1-I don't know them. 2-I know them.

15. “There are TWO types of people in the world: 1-People who understand and appreciate sarcasm. 2-IDIOTS.”

There are TWO types of people in the world: 1-People who understand and appreciate sarcasm. 2-IDIOTS.

16. ” Research has shown that laughing for 2 mins is just as healthy as a 20 min jog. So now I’m sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers.”

Research has shown that laughing for 2 mins is just as healthy as a 20 min jog. So now I'm sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers.

17. “Isn’t it funny how red, white & blue represent freedom…Until they’re flashing behind you.”

Isn't it funny how red, white & blue represent freedom...Until they're flashing behind you.

18. “Do not touch – must be one of the scariest things to read in Braille.”

Do not touch - must be one of the scariest things to read in Braille.

19. “Nope, can’t go to Hell. Satan still has that restraining order against me!!!.”

Nope, can't go to Hell. Satan still has that restraining order against me!!!

20. “I don’t like making plans for the day because then the word “Premeditated” gets thrown around in the courtroom.”

I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "Premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

21. “I’m trying to see things from your point of view but I can’t stick my head that far up my ass.”

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't stick my head that far up my ass.

22. “When thinking about life remember this: no amount of guilt can solve the past and no amount of anxiety can change the future.”

When thinking about life remember this: no amount of guilt can solve the past and no amount of anxiety can change the future

23. “I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.”

I'm not shy, I'm holding back my awesomeness so I don't intimidate you

24. “A person with a sharp tongue will eventually cut themselves.”

-J. Robson Koenig –

A person with a sharp tongue will eventually cut themselve

25. “Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.”

– Anonymous –

Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else

K2. Funny quotes about life lessons.

26. “Instructions for living a life: Pay attention. Be astonished. Tell about it.”

-Mary Oliver –
Instructions for living a life: Pay attention. Be astonished. Tell about it.27. “Life doesn’t have to be perfect to be wonderful.”

Life doesn’t have to be perfect to be wonderful

28.”NEVER get JEALOUS when you see your EX with someone else because our parents taught us to give our used TOYS to THE LESS FORTUNATE.”

Life doesn’t have to be perfect to be wonderful

29.”Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”

-Mark Twain –
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.30. “If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”

– Dalai Lama –
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito31.”If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.”

– Johnny Carson –
If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam32. ” Go through life like a duck: Majestic on top, kicking like hell underneath.”

– Anonymous –
Go through life like a duck: Majestic on top, kicking like hell underneath

33. “You can’t always control who walks into your life but, you CAN control which window you throw them out of…”

You can’t always control who walks into your life but, you CAN control which window you throw them out of…34. “It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it’s called Life.”

35. “Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.”

– Groucho Marx –
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him36. “Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things.”

-George Carlin –
Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things

37.”If they don’t know you personally, don’t take it personally.”

If they don’t know you personally, don’t take it personal

38. “My theory is that the hardest work anyone does in life is to appear normal.”

My theory is that the hardest work anyone does in life is to appear normal

39. “Build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for an hour. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.”

Build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for an hour. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

40. “Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.”

– Ellen DeGeneres –
Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer

41.”People will laugh at anything, except their own moronic self.”

People will laugh at anything, except their own moronic self

42. “My way of joking is to tell the truth. It’s the funniest joke in the world.”

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It’s the funniest joke in the world.
43. “Life is just a phase you’re going through…you’ll get over it.”

Life is just a phase you’re going through…you’ll get over it

44. “The great thing about getting older is that you don’t lose all the other ages you’ve been”.

The great thing about getting older is that you don’t lose all the other ages you’ve been45. “The two most common elements in the world are hydrogen and stupidity.”

-Arthur Miller –
The two most common elements in the world are hydrogen and stupidity

46. “If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?”

If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?

47. “I hope life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it.”

I hope life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it

48. “If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

49. “I love to sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I’m awake, you know?”

– Ernest Hemingway –

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I’m awake, you know?

50. “The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.”

The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax

51. “Never miss a good chance to shut up”

Never miss a good chance to shut up

52. “I drink to make other people more interesting.”

– Ernest Hemingway –

I drink to make other people more interesting53.”Remember, if you’re headed in the wrong direction, Life considers U-turns to be legal, in all jurisdictions.”

– B.T.Henderson –

Remember, if you’re headed in the wrong direction, Life considers U-turns to be legal, in all jurisdictions

54.”Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.”

Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life

55.”When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.”

"When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye

56. “I enjoy romantic walks to the fridge.”

I enjoy romantic walks to the fridge

57.”In heaven, all the interesting people are missing”

– Friedrich Nietzsche –

In heaven, all the interesting people are missing

K3.Funny inspirational quotes

58. “You have to be odd to be number one.”

– Dr. Seuss –

"You have to be odd to be number one.

59. “An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.”

An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough

60.  Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.”

– Confucius ;
Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade

61. “Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.”
Life is short, smile while you still have teeth

62. “There are 3 solutions to every problem: Accept it, Change it, Leave it. If you can’t accept it, change it. if you can’t change it, leave it.”

63.”A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.”
A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand
64. “Stop trying to calm the storm. Calm yourself, the storm will pass.”

Stop trying to calm the storm. Calm yourself, the storm will pass
65. ” Don’t distract by criticism. Remember the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.”

-Zig Ziglar –

Don't distracted by criticism. Remember the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you

66. “Follow your heart. But take your brain with you.”

Follow your heart. But take your brain with you

67.”Don’t sacrifice your time for people who wouldn’t do the same for you.’

Don't sacrifice your time for people who wouldn't do the same for you
68. “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.”

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payment

K4.Funny love quotes

69. “I love you forever…but I can’t live that long.”

70..”My boyfriend is not allowed to hide his phone from me. As long as we’re together it’s not an iPhone, it’s a wePhone.”

71. “Besides chocolate, you’re my favorite :)).”

72. “I didn’t want to fall in love, not at all but at some point, you smiled and holy shit blew it.”

73.”Yes, I have a dirty mind and right now you’re running through it…naked.”

74.”Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.”

-George Burns-

75.”I love you with all my boobs. I would say heart, but my boobs are bigger.”

76. “I love you like a fat kid loves cake.”

77. ” We’re like chocolate and marshmallow, you’re hot and I want to be on top of you.”

78. “You add meaning to my life and yet, you subtract some cash from my wallet.”

79. “They say that love is more important than money, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?”

80. “Love is sharing your popcorn.”

81. “To fall in love is awfully simple, but to fall out of love is simply awful.”

82. “Grow old along with me, the best is yet to be.”

83. “I wish to fall in love has traffic lights too, so that I would know if I should Go for it, slow down, or just stop.”

84. The brain is the most outstanding organ it works 24 hours a day 365 days a year from birth until you fall in love.”

K5.Funny love quotes for him

85. “Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.”
86. Happiness is an inside job. Don’t assign anyone else that much power over your life

Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.

87. “I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. then walk into a pole.”
88.”Forget the butterflies. I feel the whole zoo when I am with you.”

89.”I promise to always cop a feel when you’re trying to get ready in the morning.”

90.”Yeah, I know he’s cute but he’s mine touch him and I’ll kill you.”

91. “I love you for your personality but that dick sure is a bonus.”

92. “I love you even when I’m really, really hungry.”

93. “My best love was chocolate. But then you came around.”

94. “My head says, ‘Who cares?’ But then my heart whispers,’You do, stupid…”

95. “I didn’t want to fall in love, not at all. But at some point, you smiled, and, holy shit, I blew it.”

96. “I love you with my all my butt, I would say heart, but my butt is bigger.”

97.” If you tickle me, I’m not responsible for your injuries.”

98. ” I’m jealous of the people who get to see you every day.”

99.”Girls are like phones. We love to held and talked to, but if you press the wrong button you’ll be disconnected !.”

100.You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.”

K6. Funny love for her

101. “One day I caught myself smiling for no reason, then I realized I Was thinking of you.”

102. “Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”

103. “Why cry for someone when you can laugh next to someone else?.”

104. “I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”

105. “Stop waiting for prince charming. Get up and find him. The poor idiot may be stuck in a tree or something.”

106. “Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.”

107. “Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.”

Senior quotes give students a chance, to sum up, their academic career in a short and simple message.

K7.Funny senior quotes / Funny yearbook quotes

108. “If you like water, you already like 72% of me.”

– Alexandra Vu –

109. “Just because everyone keeps asking me what my quote is. Here ya go.”

– Krysta Ann –

110. “Never hold your farts in, they travel up your spine into your brain and that’s where the crappy ideas come from.”

– Briana –

111. “No, Miranda, your senior quote can’t be ‘Fries before guys.” Dad

– Miranda –

112. “Don’t put anything stupid for your senior quotes”- Mon

– Jacob-

113. ” I hate having to explain to everyone why I wear a hijab but if everyone must know: Voldemort has possessed me and his face is living on the back of my head.”

114. “I’m fat because I don’t chase these hoes.”

-Daniel –

115. “I’ve gone all four years of high school without a bad hair day.”

Found this from a friend’s yearbook…

116.”Sometimes when my neighbor is gone, I roll around in her garden and pretend I’m a carrot.”

117. “This wasn’t like high school Musical at all.”

– Kylie Francis –

118. “Life is like a rollercoaster. Just when you think you’re on top, you go flying back down and someone pukes on you.”

-Jenna Mourey –

119. “I had to put my grades up for adoption because I couldn’t raise them.”

120. “I got experience hell for four years before I even died.”

-Sydney Raybould-

Below you will find some our collection of Funny graduation quotes to keep you armed and hilarious.

K8.Funny graduation quotes

121. “So, what’s it like in the real world? Well, the food is better, but beyond that, I don’t recommend it.”

– Bill Watterson-

122. ” You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.”

-David Barry-

123. “Remember, when it comes to applying for jobs, books ARE judged by their cover!.”

-Patricia Akins-

124. “My dear terrified graduates, you are about to enter the most uncertain and thrilling period of your lives. The stories you are about to live are the ones you will be telling your children, and grandchildren, and therapists.”

-Lin-Manuel Miranda-

125. “If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito.”

-BETTE REESE-

126. “I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.”

-Jeff Foxworthy-

127. “College isn’t the place to go for ideas.”

-Helen Keller-

128. “It doesn’t matter that your dream came true if you spent your whole life sleeping”

-JERRY ZUCKER-

129. “If learning is like a sponge, don’t ever stop soaking it up. Never stop learning.”

-Catherine Pulsifer –

130. “A man who has never gone to school may steal from a freight car. But if he has a university education, he may steal the whole railroad.”

-Theodore Roosevelt-

131. “If at first, you don’t succeed, try to hide your astonishment.”

-Harry Banks-

132. “You may think you’ll never find your “dream job,” but trust me: If you set your goals high, and never ever give up, I guarantee you that one day you will find yourself working for a huge impersonal corporation run by morons. Everybody does!.”

-Dave Barry-

133. “In the first place God made idiots; that was for practice; then he made school boards.”

-Mark Twain-

134. “When I was your age, we didn’t have the Internet in our pants. We didn’t even have the Internet not in our pants. That’s how bad it was.”

-RICHARD COSTOLO-

135. “Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.”

-Will Rogers-

136. “A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that “individuality” is the key to success.”

-Robert Orben-

137. “Success is often the result of taking a misstep in the right direction.”

-Al Bernstein-

138. “The unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective.”

– Jon Stewart-

139. “In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson.”

-Tom Bodett-

140. “The best advice I can give anybody about going out into the world is this: Don’t do it. I have been out there. It is a mess.”

-Russell Baker-

141. “Struggling to decide what to do after graduation is, and always will be, a sort of rite of passage to the next phase of your life.”

142. “Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing worth knowing can be taught.”

-Oscar Wilde-

143. “Before I went to college, I made a little money painting houses part-time. But after I became a college educated man, I got serious about a career and began painting houses full-time.”

-Bruce Cameron-

144. “I could have said something profound, but you would have forgotten it in 15 minutes – which is the afterlife of a graduation speech.”

-Art Buchwald-

145. “The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his intellectual nakedness. ”

-Robert M. Hutchins-

146.”We don’t stop going to school when we graduate.”

-Carol Burnett –

147. “If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.”

-Frank A. Clark-

148. “Each year at graduation, I am obliged to offer a few ‘brief remarks,’ which are usually not as brief as they should be.”

-James E. Ryan, Wait, What –

149. “Graduation: a ritual event where they award you a diploma, in the hope that you have learned enough to be able to read it.”

150. “Success is going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.”

-Winston Churchill-

151. “Life is my college. May I graduate well, and earn some honors!”

-Louisa May Alcott –

152. “I was a transfer student from a small, all-male college in Virginia, where I had been a philosophy major, but I decided to switch to something with stronger job prospects: theater major.”

-Stephen Colbert-

153. “Now that you’ve graduated, just remember: Bosses don’t usually accept notes from your mother.”

-Melanie White-

154. “Congratulations! You have now earned the of the right to join the grownup world of working for a living, the chief privilege of which is setting your alarm for the crack of dawn, as opposed to the crack of noon.”

-Greg Tamblyn-

K9.Funny motivational quotes

155.”The fact that there’s a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.”
The fact that there's a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers

156.”It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips.”

-Fred Allen-

157. ” I may not be perfect but at least I’m not you.”
I may not be perfect but atleast I'm not you

158. “Dreams are like rainbows…only idiots follow them.”

159. “You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.”

-Jack London –

160. “You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?”

-Steven Wright-

161. “If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”

162. “Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing ’till it gets there.”

– Josh Billings –

163. “Money won’t make you happy … but everybody wants to find out for themselves.”

-Zig Ziglar-

164. “A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”

165. “If you let your head get too big, it’ll break your neck.”

-Elvis Presley-

166. “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”

-Thomas A. Edison-

167. “Never follow someone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path then by all means you should follow that”

– Ellen Degeneres-

168. “Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway.”

– Robert Downey Jr.-

169.”I know worrying works because none of the stuff I worried about ever happened.”

-Will Rogers-

170. “Nothing is impossible, the word itself says ‘I’m possible’!”

-Audrey Hepburn-

171. “Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”

-Thomas Edison-

172. “Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door.”

173. “Hating people is like burning down your own home to get rid of a rat.”

174. “Leadership is the art of getting someone else to do something you want to be done because he wants to do it.”

– Dwight Eisenhower-

175. “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”

-Steve Martin-

176. “We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars”

-Oscar Wilde-

177. “Learn the rules like a pro, so you can break them like an artist.”

-Pablo Picasso-

178. “If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”

-George Carlin-

179. “I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific”

– Lily Tomlin-

180. “If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.”

-Steven Wright-

181. “I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book.”

– Groucho Marx –

182. “If you’re going through hell, keep going.”

– Winston Churchill-

183. “You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.”

-Jack London-

184. “All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.”

-Mark Twain-

185. “Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.”

– Tom Lehrer-

186. “If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.”

– Yogi Berra –

187. “There never was a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him asleep.”

-Ralph Waldo Emerson-

188. “If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito”

-Dalai Lama-

189. “It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by then I was too famous.”

– Robert Benchley –

190. “Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door.”

-Kyle Chandler-

191. “If you hang out with chickens, you’re going to cluck and if you hang out with eagles, you’re going to fly.”

192.”Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.”

-Albert Einstein-

193. “Luck is what you have left over after you give 100 percent.”

-Langston Coleman-

194. “A peacock that rests on his feathers is just another turkey.”

– Dolly Parton –

195. “Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”

-Charles Schulz-

196. “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”

197. “The only way of discovering the limits of the possible is to venture a little way past them into the impossible.”

198. “Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”

-Truman Capote-

199. “A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”

200. “The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… One step at a time.”

-Joe Girard-

201. “There are no traffic jams along the extra mile.”

-Roger Staubach-

202. “Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.”

-Will Rogers-

203. “People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”

-Zig Ziglar-

204. “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”

– Steve Martin-

205. “Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.”

206. “Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.”

K10.Funny Christmas quotes

207. “Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.”

– Victor Borge-

208. “Christmas is so much worse as you get older. It’s like “What do you want this year?” A career? A sense of purpose? A nap would be nice.”

209. “Santa saw your Instagram pictures you’re getting clothes and a bible for Christmas.”

210. “The jolliest bunch of elves this side of the nuthouse.”

211. “Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. Most of the time. Once in a while. Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.”

212. “Christmas: the only time of year YOU CAN SIT in front of a dead tree AND EAT CANDY OUT OF SOCKS.”

213. “Santa’s coming! I know him! I know him !.”

214. “Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.”

– Dave Barry-

215. “Dear Santa, This year all I ask for is a BIG FAT Bank Account and slim body. Please, don’t mix up the two like you did last year.”

216. ” Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want- and their kids pay for it.”

– Richard D.Lamm –

217. “Dear Santa, When you arrive on Christmas eve Could you please throw a quick load in the washer, vacuum a couple of carpets and wash your cookie dishes? Thank!.”

K11.Funny work quotes

218. “Happiness is an inside job. Don’t assign anyone else that much power over your life.”
Happiness is an inside job. Don't assign anyone else that much power over your life

219. “I am not lazy, I am on energy mode.”

I am not lazy, I am on energy mode

220. “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day

221. “Thank you for all of your hard work. We are going to reward you by giving you other’s people’s work to finish.”

222. “I’m not feeling very worky today.”

223. “I can’t believe I work this hard to be this poor.”

224. “Stay an extra hour in the office and no one cares. Arrive 9:05 and everyone loses their minds.”

225. “Do I love my job? No. But does it afford me the ability to go on lavish vacations and buy anything I want? Also no.”

226. “Sorry for being late. I got caught up enjoying my last few minutes of not being here.”

227. “The second I am convinced I just hung up with the dumbest motherfucker on the planet, the phone rings and proves me wrong.”

228. “Work is just something I’m doing until I win the Lottery!.”

229. “Sometimes the best part of my job is that the chair swivels.”

K12.Funny mothers day quotes

230. “Sometimes…when I open my mouth my mother comes out.”

231. “Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children!.”

-Sam Levenson-

232. “Mon, thanks for never sleeping with any of my friends who thought you were hot.”

233. “Working mothers are guinea pigs in a scientific experiment to show that sleep is not necessary to human life.”

-Anon-

234. “Mon, I can never repay you for everything you’ve given me including the $1000 I’m about to ask for.”

235. “The one thing children wear out faster than shoes is parents.”

-John J. Plomp-

236. “Mirror, mirror, on the wall, I am my mother after all!.”

-Anon-

237. “Mon, thanks for always being slightly less disappointed in me than Dad is.”

K13. Funny mom quotes

238. ” My daughter wanted Cinderella-themed party, So I invited all her friends over and made them clean the house!.”
My daughter wanted Cinderella-themed party, So I invited all her friends over and made them clean the house!."

239. “I used to have functioning brain cells, but I traded them in for children.”

240. “Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse”

241. “I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.”

242. “My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That’s how she learned how to swim. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim”

-Paula Poundstone-

243. “The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”

-Dorothy Parker-

244. “There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or ask your kids not to do it.”

-Malcolm Kushner-

245. “When I raise my voice, my kids call it ‘yelling’ but I call it ‘motivational speaking’ for the selective hearing.”

246. “I know how to do anything I’m a mom.”

-Roseanne Barr-

247. “If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says ‘keep away from children.”

248. “Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.”

– Kelly Oxford-

K14.funny coffee quotes

249. “Coffee with a friend is like capturing happiness in a cup.”

250. “Coffee smells like freshly ground heaven.”

251. “-Caffeine- It maintains my sunny personality.”

252. “SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH….. My coffee & I are having a moment. I will deal with you later.”

253. “Everybody should believe in something. I believe I’ll have another coffee.”

254. “Bad day? Coffee.

Good day?. Coffee.

Stressed? Coffee.

Happy? Coffee.

Coffee? Coffee.”

255. ” E=MC2   that means Energy= My Coffee 2.”

256. “What goes best with a cup of coffee? Another cup.”

-Henry Rollins-

257. “Science may never come up with a better office communication system than the coffee break.”

-Earl Wilson-

258. “As long as there was coffee in the world, how bad could things be?.”

-Cassandra Clare-

259. “I have measured out my life with coffee spoons.”

-T.S.Eliot-

260. “Coffee is a language in itself.”

-Jackie Chan-

261. “What on earth could be more luxurious than a sofa, a book, and a cup of coffee.”

-Anthony Trollope-

262. “Some of the world’s most effective thoughts happen over a brew of morning’s coffee.”

-Prabhukrishna M-

263. “May your coffee be strong and your Monday be short.”

264. “Coffee, It’s the lifeblood that fuels the dreams of champions!.”

-Mike Ditka-

265. “I was taken by the power that savoring a simple cup of coffee can have to connect people and create community.”

-Howard Schultz-

266. “Way too much coffee. But if it weren’t for the coffee, I’d have no identifiable personality whatsoever.”

267. “Coffee is the best medicine.”

268. “Coffee keeps me going until it’s time for wine.”

269. “Coffee isn’t a drug it’s a vitamin.

Behind every successful woman is a substantial amount of coffee.”

-Stephanie Piro-

270. ” I was taken by the power that savoring a simple cup of coffee can have to connect people and create community.”

-Howard Schultz-

271. “Three cups of coffee a day keeps the doctor away!.”

272. “I would rather suffer from coffee than be senseless.”

-Napoleon Bonaparte-

273. “I was taken by the power that savoring a simple cup of coffee can have to connect people and create community.”

-Howard Schultz-

274. “Coffee is the common man’s gold, and like gold, it brings to every person the feeling of luxury and nobility.”

“What do you want?” “Just coffee. Black – like my soul.”

– Cassandra Clare-

275. “I don’t know how people live without coffee, I really don’t.”

–  Martha Quinn –

276. “People don’t stop eating, and they don’t stop drinking coffee.”

-Magic Johnson-

277. “Coffee should be black as hell, strong as death and sweet as love.”

-Turkish proverb-

278. “I believe humans get a lot done, not because we’re smart, but because we have thumbs so we can make coffee.”

-Flash Rosenberg-

279. “When traveling with someone, take a large dose of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee.”

-Helen Hayes-

280. “All you need is love and more coffee.”

281. “Coffee, the finest organic suspension ever devised.”

282. “It’s amazing how the world begins to change through the eyes of a cup of coffee.”

283. “The powers of a man’s mind are directly proportioned to the quantity of coffee he drinks. ”

-James Mackintosh-

284. “This house runs on love, laughter and a whole lot of coffee.”

285. “Coffee, the favorite drink of the civilized world.”

-Thomas Jefferson-

286. “If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”

-Abraham Lincoln-

287. “You can’t buy happiness but you can buy coffee and that’s pretty close.”

288. “Once you wake up and smell the coffee, it’s hard to go back to sleep.”

-Fran Drescher-

289. “I would rather suffer from coffee than be senseless.”

-Napoleon Bonaparte-

290. “To me, the smell of fresh-made coffee is one of the greatest inventions. ”

-Hugh Jackman-

291. “Love is in the air, and it smells like coffee.”

292. “I had some dreams, they were clouds in my coffee.”

-Carly Simon-

293. “The morning cup of coffee has an exhilaration about it which the cheering influence of the afternoon or evening cup of tea cannot be expected to reproduce.”

-Oliver Wendell –

294. ” I judge a restaurant by the bread and the coffee.”

-Burt Lancaster-

295. “The powers of a man’s mind are directly proportioned to the quantity of coffee he drinks.”

296. “I can’t imagine a day without coffee. I can’t imagine!.”

-Howard Schultz-

297. ” Without my morning coffee, I’m just like a dried-up piece of a goat.”

-J.S. Bach-

298. “The morning cup of coffee has an exhilaration about it which the cheering influence of the afternoon or evening cup of tea cannot be expected to reproduce. ”

-Oliver Wendell Holmes-

299. “Black coffee must be strong and very hot; if strong coffee does not agree with you, do not drink black coffee. And if you do not drink black coffee, do not drink any coffee at all.”

-Andre Simon-

300. ” It’s amazing how the world begins to change through the eyes of a cup of coffee. ”

-Donna A. Favors-

K15. Funny friendship quotes

301. “All my life I thought air was free…Until I bought a bag of chips.”

All my life I thought air was free...Until I bought a bag of chips

302. “Best friends don’t care if your house is CLEAN. They care if you have WINE.”

Best friends don't care if your house is CLEAN. They care if you have WINE

303. “Making a million friends is not a MIRACLE. The miracle is to make A FRIEND who will stand by you when millions are against you…”

Making a million friends is not a MIRACLE. The miracle is to make A FRIEND who will stand by you when millions are against you

304. “FRIENDS buy you a lunch. BEST FRIENDS eat your lunch.”

FRIENDS buy you a lunch. BEST FRIENDS eat your lunch

305. “Friends who buy you food are friends for life.”
Friends who buy you food are friends for life

306. “Friends are like walls, sometimes you learn on them and sometimes it good just knowing they’re there.”

Friends are like walls, sometimes you learn on them and sometimes it good just knowing they're there

307. “It hard to find a friend who is: 95% Talented, 96% Funny, 98% Loving, 99% Intelligent and 100% Sweet. SO DON’T YOU DARE…LOSE ME!!!”

It hard to find a friend who is: 95% Talented, 96% Funny, 98% Loving, 99% Intelligent and 100% Sweet. SO DON'T YOU DARE...LOSE ME!!!"

308. “When my friend isn’t present in school; 5%- I hope she’s okay; 95% – How dare you to leave ME ALONE.”

When my friend isn't present in school; 5%- I hope she's okey; 95% - How dare you leave ME ALONE

309. “I don’t need a psychiatrist to prod into my personal life and make me tell them all my secrets, I have my friends for that.”

"I don't need a psychiatrist to prod into my personal life and make me tell them all my secrets, I have my friends for that

310. “Good times and crazy friends make the best memories.”

Good times and crazy friends make the best memories

311. ” Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay like an octopus on your face.”

Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay like an octopus on your face

312. “A good friend can finish your sentences…A best friend will do the same, but make it sound 10 times dirtier.”

A good friend can finish your sentences...A best friend will do the same, but make it sound 10 times dirtier

313. “You hurt my best friend, I can make your death look like an accident.”

314. “Grow old with your BFF you can race in wheelchairs and fight each other with canes.”

315. “We’ve been Friends for so long. I can’t remember which one of us os the bad influence.”

316. “We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up…After I finish Laughing….”

317. “Best friends: You laugh, I laugh. You cry I cry. You fall, I laugh when I fall too because I was laughing so hard.”

318. “Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean… But the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”

319. “There is nothing better than a friend unless it is a friend with chocolate.”

-Linda Grayson-

320. “We’ll be friends until we’re old and senile…then, we’ll be new friends!.”

321. “A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”

-Bernard Meltzer-

322. “A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.”

323. “It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”

-Ralph Waldo Emerson-

324. “Good friends don’t let you do stupid things …alone.”

325. “Friends buy you lunch. Best friends eat your lunch.”

326. “It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn’t use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like ‘What about lunch?.”

-A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh-

327. “The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.”

-Mark Twain-

328. “True friendship is when you walk into their house and your WiFi connects automatically.”

329. “Knowledge cannot replace friendship. I’d rather be an idiot than lose you.”

-Patrick to Spongebob-

340. “Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”

-Greg Tamblyn-

341. “It’s the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter.”

-Marlene Dietrich-

342. “Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one.”

-C.S. Lewis-

343. “I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell – you see, I have friends in both places.”

-Mark Twain-

344. “Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”

-Sicilian Proverb-

K16. Funny marriage quotes

345. “Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.”

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade

346. “I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.”

– Zsa Zsa Gabor –

I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house

347. “When I get married, divorce is not an option. You mad? Take your ass in the other room and calm down, cause we went work this shit out.”

348. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”

-Rita Rudner –

349. “Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”

-Billy Connolly-

350. “Some relationships are like Tom and Jerry, they argue and disagree all the time, but they still can’t live without each other.”

-Anonymous –

351. “Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”

-Richard Pryor-

352. “Being married means mostly shouting “What?” from other rooms.”

-Anonymous –

353. “Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”

-Will Ferrell-

354. “If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears.”

-Sigmund Freud –

355. “Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up.”

-Evelyn Hendrickson-

356. “Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.”

-Joey Adams –

357. “Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not.”

-Albert Einstein-

358. “The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’.”

-Anonymous –

359. “A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.”

-Michel de Montaigne-

360. “I looked into my wallet and it was empty, I looked through all my pockets and they were all empty. Then I looked into my heart and I found you, and only then I figured out how rich I was.”

-Anonymous –

361. “My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”

-Rodney Dangerfield-

362. “People say you can’t live without love, but I think oxygen is more important.”

-Anonymous –

363. “Marriage: A legal or religious ceremony by which two persons of the opposite sex solemnly agree to harass and spy on each other for ninety-nine years, or until death do them join.”

-Elbert Hubbard-

364. “Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”

365. “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterward.”

-Benjamin Franklin-

366. “Ever since it started snowing my husband is standing in front of the window and watching. If the snow gets much worse, I might let him inside the house.”

-Anonymous –

367. “When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”

-Helen Rowland-

K17. Funny good morning quotes

368. “Everything comes to you at the right time. Be patient.”

369. “Morning comes whether you set the alarm or not.”

-Ursula Le Guin-

370. “Workout in the morning before your brain…”

371. “Dracula is a morning person compared to me.”

372. “I was gonna take over the world this morning…”

373. “I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.”

– Benjamin Franklin-

374. “Every single day I wake up and make up my mind that I am going to work really hard. Then my mind laughs at me and says “Good joke”. Then we laugh for some more time and I go back to bed.”

-Gehenna Toss-

375. ” I hope your day is as nice as your butt.”

376. “She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”

-Richelle Mead-

378. “Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”

379. “Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield.”

-Catherynne Valente-

380. “I could be a morning person if morninghappened around noon.”

381. “Mornings are pure evil from the pits of hell, which is why I don’t do them anymore.”

-Rachel Caine-

382. “I have always disliked the morning, it is too responsible a time, with the daylight demanding that it be ‘faced’ and (usually when I wake for I wake late) with the sun already up and in charge of the world, with little hope of anyone usurping or challenging its authority. A shot of light in the face of a poor waking human being and another slave limbs wounded into the light-occupied territory.”

-Janet Frame-

383. “Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like a troll.”

384. “Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.”

-Robert Orben-

385. “I like my bed more than I like most people.”

386. “Morning is an important time of day because how you spend your morning can often tell you what kind of day you are going to have.”

-Lemony Snicket-

387. “Every morning brings new potential, but if you dwell on the misfortunes of the day before, you tend to overlook tremendous opportunities.”

-Harvey Mackay-

388. “I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.”

-Winston Churchill-

389. “I need something more than coffee but less than cocaine.”

390. “Love is blind. Especially in the morning, because I can’t see a damn thing before having coffee.”

-Aleksandra Ninkovic-

391. “I was gonna take over the world this morning but I overslept. Postponed. Again.”

-Suburban Men-

392. “Men all do about the same thing when they wake up.”

-John Steinbeck-

393. “Today I will kick ass and make dreams happen. but first, coffee.”

394. “Sunrise is starting to feel like a guilt trip.”

-Kris Kidd-

395. “My alarm clock is clearly jealous of my amazing relationship with my bed.”

-Anonymous-

396. “Every single day I wake up and make up my mind that I am going to work really hard. Then my mind laughs at me and says “Good joke”. Then we laugh for some more time and I go back to bed.”

-Gehenna Toss-

397. “I can’t get out of my bed because my cat is laying on me. Today has been canceled.”

398. “I wish I had a brush that could paint the whole sky and turn every morning into night.”

-Akshay Vasu-

K18. Funny anniversary quotes

399. “Cheers to another year of pain and suffering.”

400. “Well, we made it another year without one of us either ending up dead or in jail. I call that a win. Happy Anniversary.”

401. “Love means commitment.Of course, so do most mental illnesses! Wishing you a Happy Anniversary.”

402. “I’ll love you even when you’re old and wrinkly. ”

403. “On our anniversary, I want you to know how much I’ve enjoyed annoying you all this time and how excited I am to keep doing it in the future.”

404. “Well, we made it another year without one of us either ending up dead or in jail.

I call that a win.

Happy Anniversary.”

405. “Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me. Then I remember, oh, I put up with you, So we’re even.”

406. “It’s remarkable how long we’ve tolerated each other.”

407. “The longer you’re with someone the more you rub off on each other. So I don’t expect that at this point there is much of you left as individuals.”

408. “You are the only one I want to annoy for the rest of my life. Happy Anniversary!.”

409. “Then there was a man who said, ‘I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; by then it was too late.”

410. “Thank you for wedding me and given me a chance, To scream at you whenever I feel, And I am sure I have you to do the same in future. So let us celebrate our Happy Anniversary!.”

411. “Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.”

412. “Thinking about it, I wouldn’t have married you if I want a peaceful life.My life would have been so unexciting and boring. Happy Anniversary!.”

413. “Congratulations on another anniversary that proves that you are blessed with each other. .”

414. “I am happy to know two amazing people who have been together for an amazing amount of time. That’s you two!.”

415. “Thinking about it, I wouldn’t have married you if I want a peaceful life.

My life would have been so unexciting and boring.

Happy Anniversary! .”

416. “If love is an amazing dream,then marriage is the alarm clock.”

417. “There is one place I would love to go for our anniversary that I feel we don’t go to enough throughout the year. The bedroom!.”

418. “I can’t think of the words to express how I feel for you. Thanks for loving me anyway.”

419. “Anniversaries remind me that I am can annoy you again.

Thanks for last year giving me plenty of opportunities.

For now, happy anniversary!.”

K19. Funny dog quotes

420. “An old dog can learn new tricks. If your enthusiasm has lost its vitality, do everything possible to revive it.”
An old dog can learn new tricks. If your enthusiasm has lost its vitality, do everything possible to revive it

421. “Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window.”

-Steve Bluestone-

422. “No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as much as the dog does.”

-Christopher Morley-

423. “If there are no dogs in heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.”

-Will Rogers-

424. “I feel sorry for people who don’t have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.”

425. “Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window.”

-Steve Bluestone-Bonnie Schachter

426. “I once decided not to date a guy because he wasn’t excited to meet my dog. I mean, this was like not wanting to meet my mother.”

-Bonnie Schachter-

427. “The best therapist has fur and four legs.”

428. “Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.”

-Groucho Marx-

429. “The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven, not man’s”

-Mark Twain-

430. “You can trust your dog to guard your house but never trust your dog to guard your sandwich.”

431. “For the best seat in the house, you’ll have to move the dog.”

432. “No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as much as the dog does.”

433. “Dogs never bite me. Just humans.”

-Marilyn Monroe-

434. “If you’re uncomfortable around my dog, I’m happy to lock you in the other room when you come over.”

435. “In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.”

-Derek Bruce-

436. “I once decided not to date a guy because he wasn’t excited to meet my dog. I mean, this was like not wanting to meet my mother.”

-Bonnie Schachter-

437. “Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: The mailman is not to be trusted.”

-Sian Ford-

438. “A dog can express more with his tail in minutes than his owner can express with his tongue in hours.”

439. “The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”

– Andy Rooney-

K20.funny relationship quotes

440. “I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”

I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong.

441. “You’ve got an elf on a shelf. I’ve got a trooper on a pooper.”

You've got an elf on a shelf. I've got a trooper on a pooper."

442. “I’m not insulting you. I’m describing you.”

I'm not insulting you. I'm describing you

443. “The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman is that one of them be good at taking orders.”

-Linda Festa-

444. “Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”

445. “Relationships don’t always make sense. Especially from the outside.”

-Sarah Dessen-

446. “A bachelor’s life is no life for a single man.”

-Samuel Goldwyn-

447. “What would men be without women?

Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.”

-Mark Twain-

448. “Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.”

449. “The difference between being in a relationship and being in prison is that in prisons they let you play softball on the weekends.”

-Bobby Kelton-

450. “When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.”

-Sacha Guitry-

451. “Ideally, couples need three lives: one for him, one for her and one for them together.”

-Jacqueline Bisset-

452. “Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.”

-Albert Einstein-

K21. Funny sex quotes

453. “Sex is like math: you add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and pray you don’t multiply.”
Sex is like math: you add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and pray you don't multiply

454. “I swear some people must have been conceived through anal sex. There is no way being that much of an asshole is natural.”

I swear some people must have been conceived through anal sex. There is no way being that much of an asshole is natural

455. “So I’m licking jelly off my boyfriend and all of a sudden, I’m thinking, ‘Oh my God, I’m turning into my mother.”

-Sarah Silverman-

456. “You remind me of my pinkie toe… Sooner or later I’m gonna bang you on a table.”

457. “I want you, all of you. I want to feel you inside me, deep inside me. I want you to tell me when you’re going to cum, hear you moan my name and fuck me harder.”

458. “It’s work having a vagina. Guys don’t think that it’s work but it is. You think it shows up like that to the event? It doesn’t. Every night it’s like getting it ready for its first Quinceanera, believe me.”

-Amy Schumer-

459. “The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.”

460. “Sex with you is so good that we should celebrate it by having sex.”

461. “Good sex is like good bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”

-Mae West-

462. “I would rather cuddle then have sex. If you’re good with grammar, you’ll get it.”

463. “We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.”

-Lily Tomlin-

464. “If you wear a short enough skirt, the party will come to you.”

-Dorothy Parker-

465. “I have a rule, and that is to never look at somebody’s face while we’re having sex; because, number one, what if I know the guy?”

-Laura Kightlinger-

466. “Women fake orgasms and men fake finances.”

K22. Funny family quotes

467. “Families are like fudge … mostly sweet with a few nuts.”

468. “If you don’t believe in ghosts, you’ve never been to a family reunion. – Ashleigh Brilliant

Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space.”

– Evan Esar-

469. “In some families, “please” is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was “sorry.”

– Margaret Laurence-

470. “When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”

– George Bernard Shaw-

471. “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”

– George Burns-

472. “Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist.”

– Michael Levine-

473. “Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”

-Wayne Huizenga-

474. “A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”

-Ogden Nash-

475. “In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”

-Anna Quindlen-

476. “The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”

-George Carlin-

477. “Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”

-Chelsea Handler-

K23. Funny office quotes

478. “If you think your boss is stupid remember; you wouldn’t have a job if he was smarter.”

-Albert Grant-

479. “His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours.”

-Arthur Baer-

480. “Don’t mistake this fake smile and professional body language. I’d punch you in the throat if I knew I wouldn’t lose my job.”

481. “Some people are like clouds when they disappear it’s a brighter day.”

482. “I changed my car horn to sound like gunshots…People get out of the way much faster now!.”

483. “Tell your boss what you really think about him and the truth shall set you free.”

-Patrick Murray-

484. “Do not underestimate your abilities. That is your boss’s job.”

485. “People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The trouble is they want a week’s pay for it.”

-Joey Adams-

486. “I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.”

487. “I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.”

-Charles Lamb-

488. “One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.”

489. “Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?.”

-Edgar Bergen-

K24. Funny drinking quotes

490. “A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.”

491. “…One drink away from telling everyone what I really what I really think.”

492. “I have a feeling that my check liver light may come on this weekend.”

493. “I finally quit drinking for good. Now I drink for evil.”

494. “I just rescued some wine, it was trapped in a bottle.”

495. “I started thinking about the dangers of drinking on new year’s eve. After that, I decided to stop thinking.”

496. “The problem with drinking and driving is that trees defend themselves very well.”

497. “War and drink are the two things man is never too poor to buy.”

-William Faulkner-

498. “It’s strange how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible but 8 beers is so damn easy!.”

499. ” I will drink beer here or there I will drink beer everywhere.”

500. ” Son who is this “Moderation” Everyone keeps telling me to drink with?.”

501. ” Did you know that 2 to 3 glasses of wine per day can reduce your risk of giving a shit.”

K25. Funny valentines day quotes

502. “I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you.”

503. “I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”

– Rita Rudner-

504. “Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.”

-Christopher Marlowe-

505. “Love is what you’ve been through with somebody.”

-James Thurber-

506. “I want a man who’s kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a Millionaire ?.”

-Zsa Zsa Gabor-

507. “I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?.”

– Jean Illsley Clarke-

K26. Funny quotes about school

508. “There are only two places in the world where time takes precedence over the job to be done: school and prison.”

– William Glasser-

509. “My school was so tough the school newspaper had an obituary column.”

-Norm Crosby-

510. “Education can get you the only thing that really matters in today’s world — an assigned parking space.”

511. “Every class is drama class when you’re in high school.”

-Timothy Bird-

512. “In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson.”

-Tom Bodett-

513. “True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.”

-Kurt Vonnegut-

514. “It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows.”

– Epictetus-

515. “You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.”

-Emo Philips-

516. “It’s easier to floss with barbed wire than admit you like someone in middle school.”

–  Laurie Halse Anderson-

517. ” Without education, we are in a horrible and deadly danger of taking educated people seriously.”

-G.K. Chesterton-

K27. Funny trump quotes

518. “If you’re going to be thinking, you may as well think big.”

-Donald Trump-

519. “If you’re going to be thinking, you may as well think big.”

– Donald Trump-

520. “I’m also honored to have the greatest temperament that anybody has.”

-Donald Trump-

521. “I will be the greatest jobs president that God ever created.”

-Donald Trump-

522. “Let me tell you, I’m a really smart guy.”

-Donald Trump-

523. “All of the women on ‘The Apprentice’ flirted with me—consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected.”

-Donald Trump-

534. “My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well been documented, are various other parts of my body.”

-Donald Trump-

535. “We should just cancel the election and just give it to Trump.”

-Donald Trump-

536. “I think the only card she has is the women’s card. She has got nothing else going. Frankly, if Hillary Clinton were a man, I don’t think she would get 5% of the vote. And the beautiful thing is women don’t like her, ok?.”

-Donald Trump-

537. “I don’t think I’m going to lose, but if I do, I don’t think you’re ever going to see me again, folks. I think I’ll go to Turnberry and play golf or something.”

-Donald Trump-

K28.Funny easter quotes

538. “What is the real purpose behind the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus? They seem like greater steps toward faith and imagination, each with a payoff. Like cognitive training exercises.”

-Chuck Palahniuk-

539. “A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”

-BERNARD MELTZER-

540. “If you believe in the Easter Bunny, it means you believe in a fat, purple bunny, which is pooping multi-color eggs in your garden.”

541. “Good idea: Finding the Easter eggs on Easter. Bad idea: Finding the Easter eggs on Christmas.”

-JACK HANDEY-

542. “Easter is when your parents take all the leftover Halloween candy and hide it around the house in colorful eggs. When you can’t find any, you give up until next year, when you find all the old ones and none of the new ones.”

543. “The Easter bunny ate all of the carrots we left for him. What a pig.”

-STEVE CARELL-

544. “Easter says you can put truth in a grave, but it won’t stay there.”

-Clarence W. Hall-

545. “I lied on my Weight Watchers list. I put down that I had three eggs… but they were Cadbury chocolate eggs.”

-CAROLINE RHEA-

546. “I lied on my Weight Watchers list. I put down that I had 3 eggs… but they were Cadbury chocolate eggs.”

-Caroline Rhea-

K29.Funny retirement quotes

547. “Men do not quit playing because they grow old; they grow old because they quit playing.”

-Oliver Wendell Holmes-

548. “What do you call a person who is happy on Monday?.”

549. “A word of warning. There’s a retired person in the premises with not a lot to do and plenty of stories to tell!.”

550. “You know that retirement is coming. It isn’t as though it just shows up one day and takes you by surprise, so you need to get ready for it.”

551. “The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.”

-Abe Lemons-

552. “I can’t wait to retire so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.”

553. “I’d like to congratulate you on your retirement and wish you the best on the next chapter of your life. Now you will have more time to marathon all the shows that you were completely clueless about.”

554. “When a man retires, his wife gets twice as much husband for half as much money.”

-Chi Chi Rodriguez-

555. “Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under trees on a summer’s day, listening to the murmur of the water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is by no means a waste of time.”

-J. Lubbock-

556. “Retirement: It’s nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese.”

-Gene Perret-

K30.Funny teacher quotes

557. “Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.”

-Louis-Hector Berlioz-

558. “A good teacher is like a candle, it consumes itself to light the way for others.”

560. “Sunday is a teacher’s day of REST: the REST of the laundry, the REST of the housework, and grade the REST of the papers.”

561. “Why are teachers told to differentiate their instruction but standardize their tests!.”

562. “As long as teachers give tests, there will always be prayer in schools.”

563. “The most valuable resource that all teachers have is each other. Without collaboration, our growth is limited to our own perspectives.”

564. “A very wise old teacher once said: I consider a day’s teaching wasted if we do not all have one hearty laugh.”

-Gilbert Highet-

565. “Great teachers engineer learning experiences that put students in the driver’s seat and then get out of the way.”

-Ben Johnson-

566. “A cross-eyed teacher can keep twice the number of children in order than any other, because the pupils do not know who she’s looking at.”

K31.Funny fathers day quotes

567. “We never know the love a parent till we become parents ourselves.”

-Henry Ward Beecher-

568. “My father used to play with my brother and me in the yard. Mother would come out and say, “You’re tearing up the grass.” “We’re not raising grass,” Dad would reply. “We’re raising boys.”

-George Herbert-

569. “Having children is like living in a frat house – nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”

-Ray Romano-

570. “My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!.”

-Bill Cosby-

571. “I’ve been to war. I’ve raised twins. If I had a choice, I’d rather go to war.”

572. “The older I get, the smarter my father seems to get.”

-Shakespeare-

573. “It’s only when you grow up and step back from him–or leave him for your own home–it’s only then that you can measure his greatness and fully appreciate it.”

-Harry Truman-

K32.Funny food quotes

574. “Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the “Titanic” who waved off the dessert cart.”

-Erma Bombeck-

575. “The heart wants what the heart wants. (Cookies. It’s always cookies.).”

576. “When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, ‘Four. I don’t think I can eat eight.”

– Yogi Berra-

577. “The only time to eat diet food is while you’re waiting for the steak to cook.”

-Julia Child-

578. “The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you’re hungry again.”

-George Miller-

579. “The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.”

-Calvin Trillin-

580. “Vegetarians are cowards. They just kill things that can’t move.”

581. “I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.”

-W.C. Fields-

582. “The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.”

-Calvin Trillin-

583. “Love and sausage are alike. Can never have enough of either.”

-Trixie Koontz-

584. “I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because of hate plants.”

-A. Whitney Brown-

585. “The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you’re hungry again.”

-George Miller-

586. “When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny.”

-Greg Tamblyn-

587. “Large, naked, raw carrots are acceptable as food only to those who live in hutches eagerly awaiting Easter.”

-Fran Lebowitz-

588. “Nouvelle Cuisine, roughly translated, means: I can’t believe I paid ninety-six dollars and I’m still hungry.”

-Mike Kalin-

589. “Never eat more than you can lift.”

-Miss Piggy-

590. “My daughters think ketchup is a vegetable.”

-Bowen White-

591. “A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do.”

– P. J. O’Rourke-

592. “Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.”

-Jim Davis-

593. “Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”

-Tom Smothers-

594. “At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.”

-George Carlin-

595. “The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate! ”

-Terry Moore-

596. “Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food.”

597. “As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”

-Buddy Hackett-

K33.Funny golf quotes

598. “Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.”

-John Updike, Author-

599. “I had a wonderful experience on the golf course today. I had a hole in nothing. Missed the ball and sank the divot.”

-Don Adams-

600. “I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.”

– Gerald R. Ford-

601. “The only sure rule in golf is he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie.”

-Mickey Mantle-

602. “Golf is the hardest game in the world to play, and the easiest to cheat at.”

-Dave Hill-

603. “To find a man’s true character, play golf with him.”

-P.G. Wodehouse-

604. “Golf, like the measles, should be caught young, for, if postponed to riper years, the results may be serious.”

-P.G. Wodehouse-

605. “If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.”

-Jack Lemmon, Actor-

606. “the only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.”

-Billy Graham-

607. “As you walk down the fairway of life, you must smell the roses, for you only get to play one round.”

-Ben Hogan-

608. “Nothing dissects a man in public quite like golf.”

-Brent Musburger-

609. “We learn so many things from golf—how to suffer, for instance.”

-Bruce Lansky, Author-

610. “Golf is an ideal diversion but a ruinous disease.”

-Gerald Ford-

611. “I started watching golf for the first time yesterday. I’m really worried about myself. I was actually enjoying it.”

-Ewan McGregor-

612. “Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.”

-Dave Barry-

613. “Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.”

-Tiger Woods-

614. “Don’t play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.”

-Harry Vardon-

615. “While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.”

-Henny Youngman, Comedian-

616. “I don’t like to watch golf on television because I can’t stand people who whisper.”

-David Brenner-

617. “Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.”

-Dave Barry-

618. “Most people play a fair game of golf, If you watch them.”

-Joey Adams-

619. “The reason a pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.”

-Phyllis Diller, Comedian-

K34.Funny beer quotes

620. “Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. When life’s a bitch, beer is a must.”
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. When life's a bitch, beer is a must

621. “Girl express their feeling via tears. Boys express their feelings via beers.”

622. “Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.”

-Kinky Friedman-

623. “Ah, beer. The cause of and the solution to all of life’s problems.”

– Homer Simpson, cartoon character & role model-

624, “There is an ancient Celtic axiom that says ‘Good people drink good beer.’ Which is true, then as now. Just look around you in any public barroom and you will quickly see: bad people drink bad beer. Think about it.”

-Hunter S. Thompson-

625. “I work until beer o’clock.”

-Stephen King-

626. “Beer, it’s the best damn drink in the world.”

– Jack Nicholson-

627. “Milk is for babies. When you grow up you have to drink beer.”

-Arnold Schwarzenegger-

628. “Never underestimate how much assistance, how much satisfaction, how much comfort, how much soul and transcendence there might be in a well-made taco and a cold bottle of beer.”

-Tom Robbins, novelist & cool dad (not a regular dad)-

629. “There comes a time in every woman’s life when the only thing that helps is a glass of Champagne.”

-Bette Davis-

630. “I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be depended upon to meet any national crisis. The great point is to bring them the real facts, and beer.”

-Abe Lincoln, US president & quote master-

631. “Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the Bible says love your enemy.”

-Frank Sinatra-

K35. Funny Thursday quotes

632. “It’s Thursday. Lets get shaken and stirred.”

633. “WooHoo!! Tomorrow is Friday!. Happy Weekend !.”

634. “Good morning It’s Thursday…And if you stand on tiptoes you can see friday !.”

635. “Happy Thursday My Dear Friends. We are getting closer to the weekend!”

636. “If you can stand on tiptoes, you can see Friday. There’s light at the end of the weekend tunnel!.”

637. “If 40 is the new 30, and 50 is the new 40, why can’t Thursday be the new Friday?.”

638. “I’m looking forward to Friday. Who’s with me?.”

639. “Thumbs up! It’s Thursday.

The quieter you become, the more you can hear!”

K36. Humorous quotes

640. “I want a closed casket funeral. However, towards the end of the service, please have the organist play “Pop goes the weasel” over and over until everyone in attendance is staring at my coffin with silent, horrified anticipation.”

641. “Zombies eat brains. You’re safe.”

642. “It takes real skill to choke on air, fall up stairs and trip over completely nothing. I have that skill…”

643. “You’re the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo.”

644. “Impossibilities of the world: 1- You can’t count your hair. 2- You can’t wash your eyes with soap. 3- You can’t breathe when your tongue is out. Put your tongue back in you fool.

645. “Ten Things I know about you: 1-You are reading this. 2- You are human. 3-You can’t say the letter “P” without separating your lips. 4-You just attempted to do it. 6-You are laughing at yourself. 7- You have a smile on your face and skipped No.5. 8. You just checked to see if there is a No.5. 9-You laugh at this because you are a fool and everyone does it too. 10- You are probably going to share this and see who else falls for it.”

646. “Never go to bed angry…Stay awake and plot revenge.”
Never go to bed angry...Stay awake and plot revenge

647. “Patience: What you have when there are too many witnesses.”

Patience: What you have when there are too many witnesses

648. “I think I’m starting to lose my mind. But as long as I keep the part that tells me when I gotta pee, I should be okey.”

"I think I'm starting to lose my mind. But as long as I keep the part that tells me when I gotta pee, I should be okey."

K37.Funny birthday quotes

649. “Happy birthday! May you live to be so old, people start wondering if you’re the walking dead.”

650. “It is always to nice celebrate the birthday of your loved ones with nice and meaningful quotes that will make them feel that they are loved and cared for.”

651. “May you live to complete the circuit of life, hoping to see you one day when you are one month old starting another circle of life.”

652. “All the world is a birthday cake so take a piece of it but not too much,a piece is sweet but all of it is poison.”

653. “When I die, I want it to be on my 100th birthday, in my beach house on Maui, and I want my husband to be so upset that he has to drop out of college.”

654. “You know you are getting old when the birthday candle is more expensive than the cake itself.”

655. “Don’t forget to wear your sunglasses when the cake is served. Happy birthday.”

656. “In any birthday, people need your presence more than the presents,so availing yourself is a present in presences.”

657. “Wishing you many more candles and a cake big enough to fit them all on.”

658. “It’s a special day – your birthday! Let’s go out and celebrate you being one year closer to removing your age from your Facebook profile.”

659. “The best way to celebrate your wife birthday is to do it once.”

660. “Being old is not a sin,happy birthday.”

661. “Many people remember presents more than the years they have while celebrating their birthdays.

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